Here it is. I think it speaks for itselfThe music is from “Throw it back” by Brandon jamar Scott on YouTube, he’s a genuine genius and I highly recommend getting his deranged beats stuck in your head
Look how good my bum looks in these work out leggings. It's coming to eat you, silly teeny weeny man, yes I'm still thinking about that
It’s a few nights after Christmas. You rub your eyes, itchy from staring through the week long dissociative episode you just snapped out of; The dread of the season has mostly been excreted and now only a few smears are left to wipe way. You’re warm and snuggly, sunk into the familiar pillows of your sofa, inexplicably dressed in loose cotton pyjamas. The scent of fresh laundry mingles with the golden aroma of burning logs; a gentle knocking to your right draws your attention. A bulked mass of tartan is hunched packing wood into the fireplace, slowly a grateful peace floods the room. A warming glow and soft crackling. Without a word he leaves to clatter in the kitchen whilst you collect your marbles, then he returns smiling reassuringly and hands you a steaming hot turkey sandwich. Turkey, sausage, gravy, cranberry sauce and butter. Perfection. You eat it like you don’t remember eating for a full week prior as he sits down to cuddle up next to you. Silently you share the moment, aside from him chuckling while showing you a photo of a knitted buffalo bill he found on reddit. It did look like a Femboy with blue stockings, you agreed. It’s quite difficult to imagine ever feeling any more content than you did right then.It is sudden but welcome when his hands slip around your waist then slide your pyjama trousers down, trailing kisses down your legs to your feet, then trailing kisses back up again. If heaven were a place on earth, it would be on that sofa, with a tummy full of turkey, submerged in the warmth of the fire, listening to the ambient sounds of the crackling fireplace and his lips gently smacking around your clit.
I’m not a fan of this time of year. I was hoping this year, having another person around who I have mutual caring about each other situation with, that it would be easier; in many ways it is… just in unexpected ways it isn’t. These are all me problems, I know that, I don’t want to be a grinch… it’s just there’s more going on to remind me of all the years of Christmas’s spent alone in one way or another, now I’m not alone but my body doesn’t know what to do about that. I’m like an anxious dog that’s so used to getting beaten that now being gently petted makes me wee everywhere in fear. Anyway, I managed to Take some more pictures of my arse just before I had a big old breakdown on the sofa. Don’t even know what about, just the season for that sort of thing I guess. Anyway, Love you, hope you’re all keeping it together better than I am. Merry Solstice!
Hello! I have been indulging in the dark art of bakery a bit lately. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling more alive than usual that one of my migratory hobbies has returned to nest for the winter months and I’ve been refining a cookie recipe. Just for clarification for the US readers, here in the UK what you call cookies are called biscuits and a cookie is a specific breed; a sweet, chewy, crunchy, goo-y and chocolate chip-y breed. Now, there are many brands and makes of cookie available in UK, many places to buy them from and they all range in quality. Annoyingly it’s very hard to find a really good cookie, a thouroughbred if you will. They’re always too crunchy or too goo-y or soft or just wrong. I don’t even know where my lofty cookie expectations come from honestly, I just know I have longed for a good cookie and none have scratched that itch… UNTIL NOWI had a baking spat a few years ago before I left my old life, no-doubt trying to mask the reality of my miserable situation with butter, sugar and flour. There were a load of videos on YouTube called things like “THE BEST COOKIE EVER 100 HOURS TO MAKE” And I tried a load of them and they all SUCKED. They did not make cookies, they made hot cookie dough that was too rich to eat on its own. It went great with ice-cream on the side like a pudding or something but as a biscuit they sucked incredibly. Despite that, I ate far too much of it and consequently put cookie research on ice. Now though, I have landed on a damn good cookie. My own little adaption of all I learned, it’s not going to earn any awards or change the world, but if you ate one you would say “MM, that’s a yummy cookie!” And that’s all I ever wanted.So, here goes:ALICE’S YUMMY COOKIESIngredients:180g unsalted butter100g Dark brown soft sugar150g Light brown soft sugar100g white granulated sugar275g plain white flour1 large egg, room temperature 1 large egg yolk, room temperature 1 tsp vanilla extract1/2 tsp of bicarbonate of soda1/2 tsp of sea salt250g milk chocolate chips150g dark chocolate chipsFirst thing to do is measure out all the different sugars. Be sure to have two bowls for each variety to facilitate easy re-weighing. You have to re-weigh all the ingredients several times because you’re an idiot who can’t do anything right and you’d be a damn fool to believe you could measure out 100 grams on a scale correctly first or even second time. Once you’ve assured yourself a few times that the scales are working correctly and everything is as it should be, time to admire the sugar. Baked goods need to be made with love and I’ve found love mixes best with sugar before any other ingredients are involved to make it feel overlooked. Look lovingly into each bowl, tell the granules how pretty they are, flirt them up a bit but not too much; you want to infuse the sugar with love, not lust, trust me on that one. I find giving the dark brown sugar some kisses works great, it seems to be a particularly love starved sweetener.Now you can do the thing you really should have done first but forgot to, which is to brown the butter. Put the butter in a pot on a low heat until it melts, don’t touch butter with your fingers at any point or you will have to compulsively lick them for a while and then wash your hands again (You did wash your hands, right?). Once melted, keep the butter on a medium heat and keep stirring it. This a hard bit, you need the heat to make the butter go golden brown but too much heat makes the butter ANGRY and it will spit at you and try to kill you and if it’s gets super mad it will go black and taste like burnt shit. Ideally It’ll like, foam up, then go clear and bubbly, then it will foam up again and go golden brown and start to smell like butterscotch or Worther’s Originals. I find sort of hesitantly holding the pot hovering over a medium heat while stirring, raising and lowering the pot to keep its temper in check works well for me. This is also why I use unsalted butter because I just can’t make this work with salted, salted butter has anger issues or something.Anyway, once that’s done, you can do the sugar part while the butter cools down a bit, then you can do the other ingredients. Lay two large eggs. If you can’t lay your own eggs, then you can substitute with chicken eggs. You can find chicken eggs in normal shops, chicken nests or, if you want to cut out the middle man, inside of chicken cloacas. Crack one egg open and spill around about a teaspoons worth of the white into the sink, put the rest of the egg in a cup, then remove the shell. Crack another egg and spill all of the white into the sink, then add the yolk into the cup with the other egg. Add the vanilla extract and resist the urge to drink the delicious vanilla eggs, you need them for later.Measure the flour, measure it again, then one more time or more if you feel doubtful, then add the bicarbonate of soda which you shouldn’t eat. Get the salt, realise you have granulated sea salt, then try to crush the granules into smaller and more suitable granules with the back end of a knife in your plastic Tupperware. If most of it gets spring launched out of the tub and all over the floor, just add some more granules to the tub and keep trying! Don’t let the salt win! Add the salt and then you’ve got your salty, chemical flour ready to go too! Now to mix it all up! Pour the butter into the lovely sugar and mix it all up with an electric hand mixer, it’s important to scream as you do this because it’s loud and motors are scary. Then add the forbidden custard (egg and vanilla) and mix it all together again with the hand mixer for 2 minutes. Mixing does something or other to the eggs which affects the final cookie, 2 minutes with my hand mixer gives the best results I have found. Less than that and the overconfident eggs get all pushy and make the cookie crumbly and spongy, any more and the eggs are too downtrodden to hold the mix together in the oven and the cookie goes dense and flat. 2 minutes of beating gives well disciplined eggs, yes.Then add the salty chemical flour. You could add it carefully like everyone says but you don’t have time for that, you want cookies! Chuck the whole load in there and mix it till it goes so dense that your mixer starts to make bad sounds and smell bad. Then use your hands! It feels so bad! So bad on your hands! AHHH! But you must, for cookies! Mix it up, it should be wet enough to stick to your hands a little but dry enough to peel off. I get it perfect every time so I don’t know what to do if yours isn’t like that. Then you need to knead it for 5 minutes, like bread; but not like bread because it’s nothing like bread dough. Just beat it up, fold it and then PUNCH IT, then fold it and PUNCH IT. LOVINGLY! Tell it that you’re doing this for it’s own good and that it hurts you more than hurts it so it knows that it’s it’s own fault for not having enough elastisisy and not because you don’t love it. If you don’t do this then the cookie will not be chewy and then you may as well throw it in the bin. Once that’s done, eat 50 grams of the milk chocolate chips and then 50 grams of the dark chocolate chips. Add the remaining chips to the mix and fold them in. Your dough is complete! Now go back to before you started doing anything and preheat the fan assisted oven to 170 C. Next get your cookie scoop, realise that you don’t have a cookie scoop, grab a big squidge of dough and make it into a ball about the size of a plumb or one of Tech-Boy’s testicles, put it on some greaseproof paper on a baking tray. I put 6 on the tray because that’s as many as I can fit with space around them for what comes next. I like to tease the balls as I line them up; eluding to the burning fate which awaits them in the oven without outright saying it to them. I don’t think that’s necessary though, I just think it’s fun to bully them before they melt and un-alive. Say goodbye like a bond villain and put the little victim balls in the oven for 12 minutes. Set a timer, don’t forget. Then stand at the door and watch them melt, imagine them screaming for help as they flatten then start crying out of guilt for what you’ve just done. When the timer goes off, quickly pull yourself together and take them out. They should still be goo-y and not looked fully cooked. Then leave them on the tray for 5 minutes so they cook that last little bit with the heat they took with them from the oven. Then bite one and burn the inside of your mouth, put the rest on a wire rack to cool and you did it!Honestly, the cookies are best if you wrap the dough in cling film and keep it in the fridge over night before baking, giving the dough a chance to marinate in the fear of the oven adds extra character to the flavours. ENJOY :3For a TLDR version that’s a bit more sane:ALICE’S YUMMY COOKIES (Sane version)Ingredients:180g unsalted butter100g Dark brown soft sugar150g Light brown soft sugar100g white granulated sugar275g plain white flour1 large egg, room temperature 1 large egg yolk, room temperature 1 tsp vanilla extract1/2 tsp of bicarbonate of soda1/2 tsp of sea salt200g milk chocolate chips100g dark chocolate chips Preheat a fan assisted over to 170 C ( google for conversions to your won oven) Brown the butter in a pan over a low heat, allow to cool slightly. Add all the sugars to a bowl, add the browned butter and mix. Remove a teaspoon of the white from the egg and add the remaining egg, the other yolk and the vanilla extract to the bowl, mix for 2 minutes with an electric mixer. Add the flour, salt and bicarbonate of soda to the bowl and mix into a thick but easily pliable dough. Knead the dough for 5 minutes Add the chocolate chips and mix till even (Optional)Refrigerate the dough for 24 hours Place evenly sized balls around 5cm in diameter on baking paper on a backing tray with space between them and back for 12 minutes, remove from the oven and leave on the pan for a further 5 minutes then transfer to a cooling rack.Anyway anyway, which would you choose to have with a warm glass of milk; a plate of my freshly baked cookies or my thick behind chewy behind?
With a sound like tearing wet tissue paper, her hole wrecked itself around the tip of your cock, audibly popping itself tightly around the rim of your head like a hand gripping a knotted rope.For the first time since you’d started trying to work yourself inside her, she was silent; Only a strained gurgle of disbelief rattling in her throat as her insides were squashed and repositioned in all the right ways.You were silent too. It took a full second for it all to sink in, then years of sexual frustration reared up out of the calmness like Godzilla and compelled you to smash her until every inch of your oversized cock could bathe in the unbelievable warm, tight silk of her cunt.“Plap”“Plap”“PLAP!!”
“I’m telling you it’s too big!!” “Oh shut up and push harder”You looked down, captivated by her jiucy arse cheeks bouncing. Her soaked pussy lips sucked and slathered the tip of your oversized cock like a suckerfish grazing on a rock, all the while her tight hole failed to stretch around you. As frustrating as it was, it was certainly very stimulating. The averagely sized girl huffed and grunted in a sweaty rage while she continued to back herself up in vein; it was adorable, if a bit concerning, to watch her try and take you.“You don’t need to try so hard, it feels great just like this” “Good for you! I, however-“ She interrupted herself with a little grunt, failing to impale herself with a weighty push, “I need that cock- Nggh!, I need it in me!” It was, despite common opinion, not a good time being the owner of a huge dick. You always had to be careful selecting trousers, shorts where a complete no-go, most women immediately froze in terror upon seeing it and most of the rest would give up quickly. Pickings were already slim as condoms big enough to fit you just didn’t exist, finding someone so eager to take a raw log of cock inside them was as rare as comfortable underwear so, despite her goblin-esque sexual demeanour, you did your very best to enjoy as much of this as you could.“Oh!” The tip of your dick landed just right against her hole, both you and her gasped in excitement as she slowly backed up and you sunk slightly deeper between her folds… before audibly popping out again “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!” She was getting red in the face, it was adorable. “Seriously, You’re just too small-”“LISTEN YOU!”, Her head snapped around to rant at you over her shoulder while she realigned your cock with her tiny hands, “I am not small! I am the average woman size, Okay?!” Your dick was re-nestled between her thighs and buttocks and her pussy once again passionately snogged your cock “ And my PUSSY can fit a BABY through it, Right! So it can fit your dick!” Something about the way she ranted with that expression of frustrated lust turned you on something wild. As aggressive as it was, being so desperately wanted like this made you almost feel like crying “so quit interrupting and focus!!” She began wriggling her hips, massaging the tip of cock with her soaked flesh. She really wanted it, she really, actually, wanted you inside her.“It won’t fit…” You ejected your last words of doubt“Bloody well MAKE it fit!” She ordered in responseYou placed your hands firmly around her waist and felt her body relax, “Mmm, finally…” She purred over her shoulder. As you slowly and forcefully pulled her back, your cock landed just right on her hole once more… LOVE YOU XOXO
“PLEASE” You begged “No” she answered, tightening the relentlessly gyrating thighs which gripped your helpless cock as punishment for your persistant pleading. “Not until you awnser the question” You wailed in frustrated misery while the rhythmic edging continued. Every moment that your cock was held between those soft, slippery, pillow-y legs robbed you another IQ point. How long had it been now? An hour? A day? 5 minutes? Time was a blurry fuzz which slipped away like cum down a sinkhole every time her plush arse bounced against your hips. “I’ll ask again, What is the transformation matrix for a rotation around the y axis of a 3D basis? Come on, I know you know it” She was slightly out of breath, she had been for as long as you could remember now. The slight current of short breath was an odd mix with the tone of a strict teacher, every word or hers felt like she was scolding you for being so stupid. “We JUST went over it” You’d been edged for too long. Your cock was screaming and throbbing, oversensitive and overwhelmed, practically spraying pre-cum each time her thighs pumped it. Your bloated balls ached and sagged with a heavy longing to be emptied. This reward based revision session had quickly turned into a terrible, inescapable trap. Like an ant in a pitcher plant, your hopes of answering the question and being allowed to cum seemed more and more futile; You could barely remember your name by now, what was she even asking you? Sounding quite like a zombie, you began to chant an awnser from somewhere in your overwhelmed mind, “Cos theta… zero … Sin Theta…” “Good! there we go! Don’t stop” her words were encouraging but the tone of her voice was patronising, she sped up her hip grinding, as if to try and distract you. “ Zero … one … zero…” “Oh, you’re so close, so close, what a clever boy” Her voice became hushed and sultry, teasing, mocking, her hips bucked faster still, you could feel your orgasm swelling inside you, your prostate aching as it swole with fluid, your mind went cloudy like your very soul was being dragged to your groin ready to be shot out of your cock. “Sin…. Theta …..nnggmhhh…. Zero ….. ahhhh …. COS THETA!” As the last words left your mouth, You practically screamed them in anticipation of your climax… a climax which was ripped away by the sudden stop of her thighs and a tightly gripped hand around the base of your cock. “Close, but incorrect” You cried pathetically. A few moments later she was slowly pumping her soft, wet legs again, your cock evermore swollen, your balls evermore aching and your mind evermore forgetful. “Let’s try that again shall we? I promise you, I won’t stop until you get it right.” You didn’t doubt her.